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i have been very tired -- the kind of weariness that comes from anger and resignation and twenty types of regret regarding "people and things and places and times" and most of all myself. i've been looking to sleep as a refuge from my thoughts but my thoughts radiate even a greater clarity in dream-form. i've been dreaming about wars and terrorism and suicide, which i might take metaphorically as a non-too-subtle hint to the internal raging battles i wage against my Self, then i wake up tired and confused. everything is very scary and i feel very small.
recent spate of events have shown that i have swindled myself for too long in believing in the beauty of fighting for things and people i thought important (since when did i believe in bumper sticker wisdom), because preconceived notions and beliefs have since been subverted and have fallen through. the things i believe in -- how is it that i still hold on despite all the times proven otherwise? i was drawing tightropes to lives i thought parallel or symmetrical to mine but i have projected them wrongly and now i am falling. i don't know where i end and god begins; if i am fighting to break ranks i am exercising an overzealous self-control but then sometimes god says to fight and then i don't know anymore. i feel that if anything is fate, then i must water down my being and my proclivity to fight. and what are regrets if we would still be led by the same impulses and if we cannot know of what else could possibly lie on the other timeline? at any time we are straddling two different timelines and i wonder how many different timelines lie on some other side of the line. are there lives lived on a relief i can only feel between split seconds when i remember to breathe?
i have always been fighting and i have always been over-thinking and it is so overwhelmingly tiring yet i know that if one day i should be able to amputate both aspects of myself i shall then know that i am not myself, but which one scares me more?
i (used to?) believe in parallels and subtext and fighting.
recent spate of events have shown that i have swindled myself for too long in believing in the beauty of fighting for things and people i thought important (since when did i believe in bumper sticker wisdom), because preconceived notions and beliefs have since been subverted and have fallen through. the things i believe in -- how is it that i still hold on despite all the times proven otherwise? i was drawing tightropes to lives i thought parallel or symmetrical to mine but i have projected them wrongly and now i am falling. i don't know where i end and god begins; if i am fighting to break ranks i am exercising an overzealous self-control but then sometimes god says to fight and then i don't know anymore. i feel that if anything is fate, then i must water down my being and my proclivity to fight. and what are regrets if we would still be led by the same impulses and if we cannot know of what else could possibly lie on the other timeline? at any time we are straddling two different timelines and i wonder how many different timelines lie on some other side of the line. are there lives lived on a relief i can only feel between split seconds when i remember to breathe?
i have always been fighting and i have always been over-thinking and it is so overwhelmingly tiring yet i know that if one day i should be able to amputate both aspects of myself i shall then know that i am not myself, but which one scares me more?
i (used to?) believe in parallels and subtext and fighting.
