to wrestle and rest

i am reading peter popham's the lady and the peacock: the life of aung san suu kyi of burma and it amazes me, the revelation of parallels and serendipity between the lives of aung san and suu kyi. history here, though presented in beautiful symmetry, would be a grey area: of whether this was a result of mere happenstance, careful calculation, derivative of our mental constructs or destiny in the greater scheme of things. until recently, i'd been viciously trying to draw these arbitrary lines of symmetry between my life and general observations, map the invisible ellipses and quadratic curves our lives could possibly be set against, fabricate naive justifications and rationalisations in a bated, anxious attempt to attach my life to reason.

perhaps there comes a point in our lives when we start to run on auto-pilot, when our self becomes complacent and the subconscious takes over. then as a revision-addled rambling of a psychology-major friend reveals, the inherent dissonance of our conscious and subconscious suggests that we will never begin to scratch the surface of our true motivations. then, life must betray all reason. have been.

i often read my life as a history text. almost embarrassingly, with acute damning details of dates, events and supposed significance, like a collector of curios. admittedly most of my guesses are borne of human clumsiness and lack, but just a little more and hopefully i will steadily trace the haphazard and squiggly lines back towards reason, see them shaped into form and just begin to understand the entanglements and disentanglements.