riverofcurios (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
riverofcurios) wrote2014-06-16 03:08 am
riverofcurios) wrote2014-06-16 03:08 am
(no subject)
what a cruel marker of the last two years, yet i have grown so cold to everything else i can only laugh bitterly to myself i think. some things now are pressing reminders of what used to be, and how while contexts and places can remain impossibly stubborn and same, people pass, and emotions change... oh how they change. and two years later i am sitting on the carpeted floor again, just now wondering when i got so comfortable with an alien concept of home, and settled for mediocrity. but some things still stick, like my inability for small talk and the laziness of being anything near social. oh, and people still think i am gallivanting in london and studying there like i hope, and it's amusing, the ferocity and stickiness of certain impressions.
i have done away with the silly rules i had set myself when i was 18, and i realised this with the ringing of my shrill voice in my head circa 2012 claiming that "we never sleep on the last day of church camps!" and heading straight to bed at 12 last night, the last night of church camp. it is difficult, also, to ignore the memories of a 'something more' blossoming in the wee hours of the morning in a cold hotel room, when i tuck myself in to an empty hotel bed with the reminders of a friendship gone sour. it has been two years, and i have dwelt on it too long sometimes, but mostly i only remember the pain of it all which seems so recent -- which is why it shocks me: the distance of two years, and everything since then.
i never remember anything anymore -- don't want to remember, either. sometimes it feels like forgetting is overrated, that we are only under its spell of blinding passivity and careless distractions. but i have overturned passivity on its head and forced so much into the caverns of the mind, or perhaps further than that. i used to want to remember everything, and now i want to forget it all -- it has become second nature. and i never feel as much as i used to anymore, so much so that i seem to be walking in the echo of a past self. someone else is emerging, and i don't know her yet.
i am so tired all the time, even when i am sitting down. more so when i am sitting down, and i don't want to get used to this. i already get the sense that summer is passing me by, and soon i will be trapped in another 9 months of clockwork and tiredness and exams and i feel like puking thinking about this.
i have done away with the silly rules i had set myself when i was 18, and i realised this with the ringing of my shrill voice in my head circa 2012 claiming that "we never sleep on the last day of church camps!" and heading straight to bed at 12 last night, the last night of church camp. it is difficult, also, to ignore the memories of a 'something more' blossoming in the wee hours of the morning in a cold hotel room, when i tuck myself in to an empty hotel bed with the reminders of a friendship gone sour. it has been two years, and i have dwelt on it too long sometimes, but mostly i only remember the pain of it all which seems so recent -- which is why it shocks me: the distance of two years, and everything since then.
i never remember anything anymore -- don't want to remember, either. sometimes it feels like forgetting is overrated, that we are only under its spell of blinding passivity and careless distractions. but i have overturned passivity on its head and forced so much into the caverns of the mind, or perhaps further than that. i used to want to remember everything, and now i want to forget it all -- it has become second nature. and i never feel as much as i used to anymore, so much so that i seem to be walking in the echo of a past self. someone else is emerging, and i don't know her yet.
i am so tired all the time, even when i am sitting down. more so when i am sitting down, and i don't want to get used to this. i already get the sense that summer is passing me by, and soon i will be trapped in another 9 months of clockwork and tiredness and exams and i feel like puking thinking about this.