Jan. 20th, 2015

riverofcurios: (paperbag)
i think all the time, about the universe and its finiteness — how there are limits to the combination of actions, behaviours and facial features that are expected from humans. words and faces start to repeat themselves through time, and everything starts to feel awfully tired and repetitive. infinitives make us forgetful — tireless hoping against the grain, among the routine may help us disremember the truth that this is all there is so everything carelessly fades from the conscience. but i want to reawaken the conscious — that every choice is borne from a hidden impulse that escapes ordinary notice, so much an expression of the individual that at each split second of decision, multiverses branch and explode into creation. multiple lives that could have, would have been if only we had said one more word, kept another word.

looking at 2015, and seeing my peers begin to graduate with bachelors and starting work as i only begin to finish my year 2… mostly i’m surprised at who i am, and how my life is going to be. being on this path makes me more cognisant, more wistful sometimes, for the paths that i imagined for myself or could have easily set off on, or pose themselves as missed opportunities. there was the one, so often dreamed of where i could be in london or green english fields and in a few months, graduating as a law student. maybe there could be one where distance proved not too daunting for affection, or one where i would be too fearful of the prospect of a gap year that i would gracefully matriculate into nus fass in 2012, that i could be the compassionate and kind person i wish i was or continued with my simple love for art and drawing as a kid and pursued art and design as an adult.

but with each universe and its obvious non-manifestation in my life brings a gratitude that somehow, things do turn out for the best and so differently from what we ever imagine, too. i used to think of 2015 in distant terms, like a far-off future with a wiser, older, still hopeful me and a love too-optimistically still alive. but 2015 is here, and past ambitions and dreams have faded, but it feels like things are becoming to come alive now. it's me, it's time for me. 


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