we embarked on an impromptu trip back to the alma mater after seeing troy go back for coaching at acjc, and in usual fashion, met with difficulties. the first was that we should have made appointments with teachers, and the second was goutham's slippers. it was a shame that we missed j siau by 10 minutes, and that vgoh was stuck in a meeting till 6 and was irritated at our persistent calls (not really a shame, no). it's some kind of wondrous that year by year we have more to tell our teachers, and more they want to know about us. we walked the stuffy corridors i always thought looked like some lame rpg game, and missed it all, even the times i felt so suffocated by it all. alma maters are special, no matter the nature of experience, because no one else but alumni can feel the connection and belonging to each tile, stair, corridor or bench. we sat down on void deck tables as usual, though they were awkwardly arranged vertically, and talked of the days of 2010/11 as we know them so well. surrounded by students who seemed like mini-selves of a few years ago, and i wonder if we always looked so small and unassuming then, and how the most unacquainted of relationships from opposite ends of the void deck then somehow still come up after graduation. mostly, recently, i'd been thinking about how i feel so different now, so divorced from my 17/18 year old self when i remember my feelings and frustrations then still in full clarity, and that i only feel the resonance of my youth insofar as accumulated experiences and remnants of social relationships and life consequences.... and i am still having trouble sometimes adjusting to who i am now, and where i am. who i am now is a fine line between steadiness and passivity, both of which i am unfamiliar with though i am leaning towards the latter, and most times the stability could almost drive me to self-destruction i think.
ghee: remember the time when our cards got confiscated by mdm tham-
goutham and i: YOU WERE NOT THERE!!!
ghee: hahaha i thought i could edit myself into your memories since i was barely around in j1. i've already edited myself into more 2010 events than i actually was involved in.
(the night before, our belated christmas pork luck)
me: his name is KP.... the first word is an indian word, and the second is a mathematical word
(everyone starts throwing out stupid names like kumar parallelogram or kamal pythagoras etc)
goutham: KRISHNA PASCAL (hits the weak glass table)
(everyone guffaws and throws back their hands in laughter)
(table tilts 45 degrees and all the cider and beer bottles topple and clang noisily and a wine glass breaks)
everyone: O_O!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA OMG
it's so strange that up to a few weeks ago i could say that i am going to paris 'next year' and now it is 'this year' and i am so scared. firstly because i was never a huge fan of paris, i'm not the sort that you can peg as one who would coo over being in the city of lights/romance or the eiffel tower (frankly neither impress me) when i would rather be in london, (i have learnt that divergences are sometimes a blessing and that london will come if it has to) and because of the paris terror attacks recently as well as the sydney siege, that has reminded me to the consequences of global cities no matter how endearing they are to me and the growing salience of isis. or maybe this whole paris thing is a conspiracy to sensitise me again to life's highs and scares. my school is the top political science institute in france/europe which makes it seem a more worthy target, not discounting the fact that it is right smack dab in the centre, adjacent to key monuments and governmental institutions. these were aspects i craved in applying for exchange, but they are boons as much as they are banes, and i am only beginning to realise this so acutely now. and i’m wondering if the coming-reality of war will make me a more compassionate, more deliberate person in my relationships and efforts.
the other day i was making a flat white and commented to suat 'i actually find flat whites more beautiful than lattes with all the latte art and what not' and to my surprise she enthusiastically agreed with me and i'd like to think there was a deeper bonding that happened as we mused over the unseeming aesthetic of flat whites, with their glossy topped swirls of brown crema and white steamed milk
also i am putting less effort into writing, and into trying to string sentences pretty. there is so much in my head i want to unpick that writing them all coherently would take up sosososo much time....... that i rather spend sleeping or watching videos meh. what happened to the girl who would sit trying to find that one word??? i've become the type of person who wants the pragmatic, practical sort of things -- the summer internship, the research assistant role, the coveted exchange position to somewhere prestigious, and I HATE IT ALL, i used to hate these kinds of people but for the sake of a 'stable future' it seems i must. i suck.