riverofcurios: (paperbag)
[personal profile] riverofcurios
i don't think i can ever get used to people leaving, or me leaving. i used to think that i was a person tough enough to leave, and then i saw myself crying on a plane to paris. i thought my heart grew numb of people leaving me all the time, and i find again, quite the opposite effect. but when you've grown up so alone, you think you forget the effect of a person until you come back to a Stranger home. any side leaving is a hard thing to swallow.

the week before the j3s got their results, rachel was fretting about it and the work-addict took a week off work after results to think about her future. i told her that what you think of yourself now is so premature to every other self you will be throughout uni, and you think you want a different thing every so often. and in all her 19 year old idealism and naivety, she told me i was so lucky to already be past that, 3 years into uni and already knowing what major i want to study. but sometimes that is the problem... i miss this 19 year old idealism and naivety, i don't think i believe in anything anymore.

i keep catching myself thinking about how we both fell into disbelief and strangerhood. and all the times i thought it was my fault, my stubbornness and unforgiveness, that tore our cell apart and all the spiritual repercussions to myself afterward -- how i stopped believing. mostly because i couldn't imagine how someone i thought so devout could be so cold and forgetful towards me. but as it turned out you were never so devout, and although my own was a lie, i can't help but feel a little betrayed by that. and maybe myself, too. i can't help wondering if a lot of what was between us was a pretense, it sure looks like it from way over here. but i guess i can't guess at myself from when i was 19. god, that was 4 years ago. i stopped believing in myself a long time ago.

in paris a lot of things remained unreal and far off, and certain things still felt possible. i miss that about paris.


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October 2016

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